you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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