I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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