I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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