ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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