i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
