I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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