My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
