please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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