Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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