I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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