What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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