Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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