i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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