it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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