Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
