when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
