Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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