So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
