So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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