It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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