well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
