I wish my penis had an off switch
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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