I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
