She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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