It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
