i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
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How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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