What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
