Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Blood and glitter go together right?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
