I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
