my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
