he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
