I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
