I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
