You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
