Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize