If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
