im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
