I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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