we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
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The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
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What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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