I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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