My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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