just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
