Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
