She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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