We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
