i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
