im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
