Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
