I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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