how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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