moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
