I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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