Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
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