Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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