girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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