I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
