I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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