What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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