When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
