I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
