this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
